the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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