Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
