I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
