Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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