Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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