I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
