im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
