i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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