i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
