ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
