I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
