if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
