so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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