Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
