I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
