So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
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please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
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just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...