I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
