My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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