The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
