Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
