I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How does it feel to date your dad?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
