It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
