My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
