I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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