this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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