i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
