Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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