Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
