I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
