There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
