My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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