It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
