Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
