you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
