What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The ass gains better be worth it
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