you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
