went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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