If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
