my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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