nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
