you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
