I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
