Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
