I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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