I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
