btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
