Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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