Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
