you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
