I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
