I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
