Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
