I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
