i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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