I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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