just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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