I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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