My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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