I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
