im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
