That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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