Swine flu. Run for my life!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes