make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
