i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
