somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
